I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
