So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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