new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
