My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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