no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
