I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
