She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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