we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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