My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
