Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
