Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
