The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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