By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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