He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
