I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
