Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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