I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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