You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
