The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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