I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
