I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
