Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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