The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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