There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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