I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
