How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
