I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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