Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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