I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
