I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Alive.
So much puke
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
