Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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