I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
