I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
A+ Viking dick
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
