In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
