yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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