She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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