I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
