Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
