so let's talk penis.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
