I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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