I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
