Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
