she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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