I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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