hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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