You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
