its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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