I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
