Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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