I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
