Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I want a musical about memes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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