miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
