6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
