So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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