my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
