My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
