I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
